Hey there. We haven’t had a playdate in a while. I have to say I’ve missed seeing you in your mom jeans, with your tussled mousy hair and your sunken in eyes sockets cratered by months of zero sleep. Do you know what? You’re hot. You’re working that stay-at-home-mom hotness and I miss it, god …
Better get it right.
Knowing when a potential meltdown (from you the parent, not the child) is imminent can save you a visit from Child Protective Services. Here are 5 warning signs of an impending complete and total loss of your shit on your kids.
1. You’ve Busted out the “Because I Said So” Answer to Your Child’s Questions
The very first warning that your patience has dwindled to alarming levels is that first utterance of “Because I Said So.” On an oxygen tank for scuba diving, the meter would be reading “15 minutes left” and the scuba coach would be motioning for you to head to the surface NOW. Each concurring “Because I Said So” is one less minute left in the tank. They get faster and closer together when you’re about to hit zero FYI.
2. Your Glass of Wine While You Cook Dinner Gets Filled to the Top
The cacophony of child voices whizzing around your legs as you pull out the Chardonnay and a wine glass has prompted you to go ahead and fill the fucker all the way up. This is no dainty glass of wine. This is the real deal. The sign of imminent shit loss is all the more clear when your kid bumps you as you try to take a sip of you overly full glass. You spill a little on their head prompting a swift “Goddamnit Jimmy!” to emit from your mouth.
3. Your Language is Getting Salty With the Kids
The higher reasoning portion of your brain that helps you edit around the kids has finally shut down. You hear something click inside you, like a potty mouth switch, and suddenly you’re saying, “Okay fine, fuck it, have a Go-Gurt. I told you no snacks before bed, but if it’ll help you go to bed, eat the fucking Go-Gurt.”
4. Your Spouse Is Asking if You’re Irritable
Nothing is more certain to aid and assist you losing your shit than your spouse asking you- with an incredulous voice- if you’re irritable.
“I‘m not irritable,” you want to scream. “Now you’re blaming me for the state I’m in when in fact it is this house and the children that is irritating me.”
5. You Feel an Aneurysm Coming on at the Sound of Footsteps on the Stairs After You Put Kids to Bed
Finally the kids are down. You’re 5 minutes into the Daily Show and 2 more glasses into the Chardonnay when you hear them. Out of their bed. Wandering down the stairs. You know you’re not even gonna make it to the commercial break before one of them is asking for water, or is scared, or has to pee, or you know what? You don’t CARE what their problem is. This is YOUR time and they are going to completely screw you out of it. That last little window of hope that you might get respite is closing fast. Your head feels like it’s going to explode. You hear the feet coming down the stairs. Jon Stewart fades into the background.
You now have a choice.
Completely lose your shit on your kids?
Or finish off the bottle of Chardonnay?
We’re out of kale and kale soup is on the dinner menu. Kale soup is nutritious. We are a nutritionally minded family. This predilection for nutrition did not save me from furry today as I dipped into the nutritionally and organically predisposed local co-op to pick up a batch of pesticide-free kale. Things to know …