Unrealistic Home

Honey, we need to talk. You know I’m not a prude, nor am I a moralizer. I’m not gonna bring up scriptures like Exodus 20:17- one of the Ten Commandments no less- or the fact that Jesus pretty much is against this sort of behavior by nature. We’re not church goers, there’s no priest in Read More →

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After the car accident I’ve been seeing a chiropractor. I’ll take Emmy in and Dr. Craig will crack my bones and Emmy will sit quietly playing on the ipad or watching and she’ll sometimes ask Dr. Craig what he’s doing. He tries to explain it to her, even though she’s a child. A toddler. When Read More →

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Better get it right.

Knowing when a potential meltdown (from you the parent, not the child) is imminent can save you a visit from Child Protective Services. Here are 5 warning signs of an impending complete and total loss of your shit on your kids.

1. You’ve Busted out the “Because I Said So” Answer to Your Child’s Questions

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The very first warning that your patience has dwindled to alarming levels is that first utterance of “Because I Said So.” On an oxygen tank for scuba diving, the meter would be reading “15 minutes left” and the scuba coach would be motioning for you to head to the surface NOW. Each concurring “Because I Said So” is one less minute left in the tank. They get faster and closer together when you’re about to hit zero FYI.

2. Your Glass of Wine While You Cook Dinner Gets Filled to the Top

The cacophony of child voices whizzing around your legs as you pull out the Chardonnay and a wine glass has prompted you to go ahead and fill the fucker all the way up. This is no dainty glass of wine. This is the real deal. The sign of imminent shit loss is all the more clear when your kid bumps you as you try to take a sip of you overly full glass. You spill a little on their head prompting a swift “Goddamnit Jimmy!” to emit from your mouth.

3. Your Language is Getting Salty With the Kids

The higher reasoning portion of your brain that helps you edit around the kids has finally shut down. You hear something click inside you, like a potty mouth switch, and suddenly you’re saying, “Okay fine, fuck it, have a Go-Gurt. I told you no snacks before bed, but if it’ll help you go to bed, eat the fucking Go-Gurt.”

4. Your Spouse Is Asking if You’re Irritable

Nothing is more certain to aid and assist you losing your shit than your spouse asking you- with an incredulous voice- if you’re irritable.

“I‘m not irritable,” you want to scream. “Now you’re blaming me for the state I’m in when in fact it is this house and the children that is irritating me.” 

5. You Feel an Aneurysm Coming on at the Sound of Footsteps on the Stairs After You Put Kids to Bed

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Finally the kids are down. You’re 5 minutes into the Daily Show and 2 more glasses into the Chardonnay when you hear them. Out of their bed. Wandering down the stairs. You know you’re not even gonna make it to the commercial break before one of them is asking for water, or  is scared, or has to pee, or you know what? You don’t CARE what their problem is. This is YOUR time and they are going to completely screw you out of it. That last little window of hope that you might get respite is closing fast.  Your head feels like it’s going to explode. You hear the feet coming down the stairs. Jon Stewart fades into the background.

You now have a choice.

Completely lose your shit on your kids?

Or finish off the bottle of Chardonnay?

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Yesterday I was watching one of the kids from my mommy group. Janet asked me to watch her son Tom Jr. while Janet took her two older daughters to check out a private school 45 minutes away. She’s done homeschooling the older girls. She wanted to leave Tom Jr with me because he has behavioral Read More →

We’re out of kale and kale soup is on the dinner menu. Kale soup is nutritious. We are a nutritionally minded family. This predilection for nutrition did not save me from furry today as I dipped into the nutritionally and organically predisposed local co-op to pick up a batch of pesticide-free kale. Things to know Read More →

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